Never put things up your nose....

My mother used to work in a doctor's office. He was a family practice doctor and was perhaps one of the nicest men known to mankind. Part of the wonderful perks of working for a doctor was she could share with us all the horribly excruciating and disgusting ailments of the patients who had done something foolish to themselves. Through her fifteen or so year employment with the doctor I learned many things.

1. Don't wear cheap earrings or your ears will get infected.
2. Don't take too much vitamin C or you will get mouth ulcers.
3. Don't drink lemonade while eating ice cream.
4. Don't jump off the boardwalk onto the sand.
5. Never french kiss a boy or your tongue will grow hair, turn blue and fall off.

Okay, maybe some things she made up in order to keep her daughters in line while they passed through puberty and young adulthood. Still, a lot of it was true. A recurring theme to her tales was about putting things up your nose. Children have a habit of putting the strangest items up there, anything from lima beans to cigarette butts. My question was always, why? Why would anyone do that? There is no pleasure from ramming things up your nose, is there? I've never heard of anything. Maybe drugs, but people risk getting AIDS and Hepatitis C by injected it with shared needles rather than snorting it. Why? Because putting things up your nose is gross and even junkies have enough sense to know that.

The only pleasurable thing about the nose is its ability to smell nice things and that comes in quite handy. Other than that, pleasure occurs when things come out of the nose. Tissues are wonderful products that help when someone has a stuffy nose; there's nothing better than getting relief from a stuffy nose. Hence my discovery of nose spray. When I was nineteen or twenty I became a nose spray addict. My allergies were very bad at the time and nose spray was my best friend. I didn't go anywhere without it. Eventually I learned (from my mother) about how addictive these sprays were, so I managed to stop using them. However, during allergy season or a bad cold or sinus infection my resolve would falter and I would fall off the nose spray wagon.

Then, several years ago my doctor told me about an allergy medicine I could...spray up my nose! It can't be all that bad because nose spray had also provided pleasurable results for years. So I filled the prescription and began using it; two squirts in each nostril every morning. Miraculously, I didn't get any colds, sinus infections or stuffy noses that allergy season. I loved the stuff! I swore by this stuff!! I still use the stuff!!! But, alas...this is not meant to be a commercial for allergy meds, it is only the back story for my latest "Note to self" learning experience.

I decided that I would go on a diet to lose the weight I've put on in the past ten years. I don't like dieting and exercising is something I truly abhor, so what is one to do? There are ads everywhere helping people like me. You can take a pill right before you eat and it will make all the calories and excess fat from the food pass through your system without you gaining a pound. Not true, all you get from those pills is diarrhea. There is another pill that curbs your appetite; it works, but if you eat things like chocolate or chips when you're not hungry then you have a whole other problem called emotional eating and there is only one cure for that~ behavior modification. I'm not a big fan of change and I love a good Heath bar once in awhile. So again I ask, what is one to do?

The exercise guru on television with the really white teeth and fake boobs said if I run five to ten miles per day I can eat whatever I want. Really?! I liked the sound of that. So I got myself a pair of running shoes and I hit the trail...it was like being water-boarded. I found no pleasure in my heart pounding out of my chest or smelly sweat running down every crack and crevice and I won't even talk about what happened to my feet and knees while running. I heard noises I hadn't heard since the last time I ate a bowl of Rice Krispies! So, anybody interested in buying a nice pair of running shoes, like new, size 8?

This brings me to the Woman's World Magazine I recently found. An article inside the magazine stated there were three foolproof methods that helped women lose lots of weight. One was a product you sprinkle on your food; it helps you feel full longer. Another was a nose spray product (I love nose spray!); you just squirt it up there and~ ala kazaam! No more overeating. I forget what the third things was, but it was probably too expensive or I'd already tried it. I ordered the sprinkles and the spray; the spray arrived first.

I pulled the package from the mailbox and ran into the kitchen. I could tell by the feel of the package it was the nose spray. Anxious to have the weight melt off, I tore into the package and the box. My oldest son was upstairs with a friend and the dogs were running around my feet excitedly feeling my joy and energy. Quickly I opened the box, pulled of the plastic seal and squirted it up in the air a couple of times to prime the sprayer. Then, boom boom~ two shots up my right nostril and moved it to my left nostril...I dropped to the floor in excruciating pain! My brain began melting inside my head and strange, slimey water began to pour from both my eyes. Snot began to emit from my right nostril; I panicked and began to cry while rocking back and forth holding my face in a vice grip! I called to my son for help. I needed an ambulance and quick!

He knew something was wrong and came right away, his friend hurrying right behind him. He panicked seeing me rocking back and forth on the kitchen floor with tears and snot oozing through my fingers. "What's the matter?! What's wrong?!" he shouted and came toward me. I couldn't speak. The pain still searing through my sinuses and brain like a hot poker. I pointed to the bottle which I'd thrown across the floor. He picked it up. "Weight Loss Spray?! What the hell?" I was still rocking and holding my face, snot oozing out of my nose like a Play Doh machine. He grabbed some paper towels, handed them to me and asked, "Did you spray this up your nose?" I nodded pathetically. "What the hell?!" he said again. He looked at his friend who I could see had genuine concern on his face.
"What's in that stuff?" his friend asked. My son was quiet as he read the label. Then he asked me if I'd read the label before I used it. I shook my head, my pain subsiding from a 10 to a 9 (on a pain scale of 1-10). I blew my nose and the pain stirred again as it was just as painful coming out as it was going in. The friend asked again, "What's in it?"

My son was annoyed now and held the bottle down to my face. "What is this a picture of, Mom?! Here on the front of the label...what is that?!" My vision was blurry and I couldn't see. So, I shrugged and continued to make a pathetic moaning sound. Again the friend asked with urgency now, "What is it?" My son held it closer to my face and pointed to the bottle and said, "It's a picture of hot peppers for heaven's sakes!" He turned to his friend, "It says, capsicum!" The two started to giggle and it quickly escalated to complete hysteria on their part. Somehow I knew at that moment that no ambulance would come to put me out of my misery.

"But...but...it's a white and purple label! Peppers aren't purple!" I shouted trying to justify my ignorance. My pain level was lowering more quickly as my embarrassment rose. I stood up and snatched the bottle from his hands; both of them were now bent over with laughter. "What the hell is capsicum anyway??" I asked. My son choked out it was a hot pepper extract.

I left the room, taking my embarrassment with me to the bathroom and blew my nose in private. Then I washed my face and re-entered the kitchen. Both boys stood there grinning at me, trying not to laugh. It only took one chuckle from me to send them back into gales of laughter, this time I went right there with them.

Note to self: Never put hot pepper extract up your nose; even if it says it will help you lose weight. I will be keeping the bottle in my purse in case I ever need to use it in self-defense...watch out muggers, rapists or just generally ill-mannered people; I will squirt this up your nose. Lol

Blind dates at my age...

Many of life's most difficult lessons I've had to learn over again as time passed. Others are quick lessons that you never forget. I like to call these moments of learning my "Note to self..." moments.

"Note to self..." Entry number two:


I went on a blind date. As I sat in my family room waiting to be picked up by a total stranger, I realized what a peculiar phenomenon dating is and how much I dislike the experience. I forced myself to focus on the moment and either enjoy it or learn from it.

From the moment my date picked me up, his energy level was off the charts. He talked a lot and was literally vibrating energy which I had only ever seen on non-medicated children with severe ADHD. He confided he hadn't dated in years, so I believed his over-active chatter and jumpy mannerisms stemmed from a really bad case of nerves. I tried to put him at ease by saying I was pretty easy going; no pressure, no expectations.

He drove me to a restaurant where the waitress went through a well-rehearsed list of dinner specials and handed us four menus: a drink menu, a dessert menu, another menu with the dinner specials and another one I never quite got the chance to read. After returning to take our order, my date informs her that we will just be having coffee. She left the menus, just in case we changed our minds. My date settled in and began talking; I listened. Then, he talked some more and I listened more, we both drank more coffee. I noticed that in addition to talking non-stop, he never made eye contact with me. He looked at the television in the corner of the room, at people walking by, out in the parking lot or at the coffee cup in front of him, but never at me. He moved his body quickly and readjusted himself in the seat constantly, first leaning forward, then back, then forward again. After the fourth visit to our table the waitress asked if we were sure we "didn't want to order something to eat?" I squirmed uncomfortably. "No, no, no" he said, "we'll have another cup of coffee though." The waitress looked at me to make certain and I smiled an apology; we were taking up a table in her section and there would be no large tip involved. Somewhere between the third and fourth cup o' joe, I realized that he wasn't going to stop talking and he had no idea whether I was engaged in active listening or not. At that very moment, I had an out of body experience. I completely zoned; I saw his mouth moving but no longer absorbed the words. I looked around the restaurant to find something interesting.

Voila! Across the aisle from us was a couple who seemed to be connecting very well. He was eating ribs and she reached across their table to wipe his face with her napkin (I didn't know people really did that) . He was a big guy, muscular and very tall. She was plus-size and was dressed to impress. She had on gold lace ankle straps sandals with four inch heels. She also wore a white halter dress; things were spilling out every which way but loose. Her hair was done up high (really high) on top of her head and she had the longest nail tips I'd ever seen with little scenes painted on them, but of what I couldn't make out.

Her date was loving every moment with her as she was him. They were seducing one another as they ate their barbecue riblets~ "Slurp, slurp, slurp. Mmmmm, Baby, these are sooo good..." I smiled and then pulled my eyes from the scene when I realized I was intruding on a very personal moment. Still, I wanted to snatch a riblet off their plate; I was starving! About fifteen minutes later they stood to leave. Immediately I noticed her white dress (a very mini, mini-dress) had ridden up as she sat in the booth during their meal. It was hiked all the way up to her.... well, too far up for human eyes to see! She needed to adjust herself in the aisle before walking out or everyone else other than me would know she was wearing an animal print thong.

All I could see was boobs, butt and thighs wiggle and jiggle around as she jerked and pulled on the much too small halter dress. Her date was a gentleman and pretended not to notice and waited patiently beside her. She was twisting, hiking and tugging less than four inches from my left elbow; completely impossible to ignore! I felt the twinge of a giggle coming on, but I didn't dare laugh. I was certain she had a rather large can of "whoop-ass" secured in a garter. So with wide-eyes, I looked at my date who, to my surprise is still talking, oblivious to the to the R rated scene taking place right before his eyes; exactly how is that possible?! My thoughts were struggling with one another and I broke out in a sweat in order to suppress a hyena-like laugh that surely would've ended in a snort, which would only make me laugh harder (and pee a little too).

I looked around to see if anyone else witnessed the gyrating, wiggle monster to my left. There was an older couple to my right who watched the scene in horror, their faces priceless! The bartender across the room was smiling as if he just heard a joke, but he was too far away for me to be sure he shared my amusement. Finally, the wiggling and tugging came to a huffing and puffing end and the couple exited the restaurant. It was safe to laugh now. I interrupted my date, "Can you believe that?!" I said softly and pointed to the empty table across the aisle. He never heard me and no eye contact was made...yep, still talking. I leaned back in my chair and smiled to myself. I wondered if perhaps someone else in the restaurant was watching me and finding my situation hysterical as well~ the bartender perhaps?

Eventually, I was returned home where I very politely said, "Good bye, forever." Despite my best efforts I continued to hear his voice chattering away, like the ringing in my ears after an AC/DC concert back in the day. It took me awhile to stop vibrating from his energy and chatter, I was operating on an energy level ten times greater than my own, by osmosis alone! I ate a peanut butter sandwich, drank a glass of Malibu and Diet Pepsi and pondered the evening...

I knew I hadn't really enjoyed myself, so what had I learned from this experience? It took awhile because all the obvious thoughts came into mind: don't wear a mini-halter dress if you're plus-size, don't make orgasmic sounds over your riblets in public, if you have ADHD take medicine for it, etc. However, the real lesson I learned is what I want from a relationship today is a lot different from what I wanted ten or more years ago. Years ago I wanted macho, handsome, knee-knocking gorgeousness. Today, I want someone who will talk with me (eye contact and all) and someone who will laugh at the same things I think are a riot, of course someone who thinks my snort is kinda cute...oh, and someone who won't mind stopping for me to use the restroom when traveling....

and, maybe someone who is gainfully employed...

and definitely divorced...

and maybe kinda cute...

and definitely has to be a good kisser...

and ....

Note to self: I still want it all, but maturity is knowing what I can live with and what I can't live without.

Note to self: Life lessons you need not suffer through to learn!

Many of life's most difficult lessons I've had to learn over again as time passed. Others are quick lessons that I'll never forget. I like to call these lessons of learning my "Note to self" moments!

"Note to self" entry number one:

Many things occur from sneaking a piece of cake and none of them are good. I was recently involved in a fifth grade graduation celebration at the school where I work. The PTO purchased a beautiful cake and served it to the children. The cake grabbed my attention as soon as I walked in the room. "Oooo~ pretty cake," my mind prompted. I replied with condescending dignity, "Yes, it's beautiful and it's in our school colors too." Put off by my tone, my mind went on to other matters. I hugged students who would be leaving for middle school and talked to parents about how much their child had grown and how the time had flown by so quickly. Then, my mind interrupted me mid-sentence..."You hoo, I said 'pretty cake'!" Annoyed with my mind and its sing-song determination, I ignored it and kept speaking with the parent who probably wondered why a severe twitch had developed in the corner of my eye. "Helloooo~ pretty cake!"

With great annoyance I walked my mind to the cake table saying, "We will look only; we are NOT eating the cake, it's for the children." As we approached the table, my mind jumped up and down like a three year old entering Toys R Us!

There it was~ a corner piece sitting on a small yellow plate, fork lying beside it, all I had to do was pick it up. "Noooo, we are not going to eat it." Again, my mind reminded me that it was a very pretty cake and it had a beautiful cluster of royal blue roses on it~ beautiful, big, royal blue roses. The next thing I know the cake plate was in my hand. I mentally checked out of the room. I eased back slowly to the corner of the room and became an observer, hidden in the shadows of the crowd. My eyes darted around the room, was anyone watching me?

With total certainty no one was looking, I sliced off the edge from the corner piece with my fork. It had a huge glob of roses on it and I shoved it in my mouth; chocolate cake, royal blue roses with white icing...it all tasted the same; sickening sweet. Still, it was like crack cocaine and I had to have more. Before an entire minute passed my small plate was empty. I felt....ashamed. Damn that stupid cake, damn it all to hell!! I looked around quickly. What luck! No one seemed to care a fig about whether I ate a piece of cake or not. So, I quickly threw the plate and plastic fork in to the nearest trash can and I got a drink from the nearest water fountain; no one would be the wiser.

With great decorum I re-entered the social gathering. I was speaking with the father of one student and I noticed he kept looking at my mouth, almost seductively; half smiling and very intently. I thought I might need to schedule an appointment for an upper lip waxing, but I'd checked that before leaving for work, so what? He probably wanted to kiss me. I hoped not...the guy had been a jerk since the beginning of the school year! I'll never forget when he showed up drunk to a school event and as he approached me I asked how he was doing. He said with slurred speech, "Everybody I can and the easy ones twice!" I'll give you a minute to let that sink in....yeah, um...ew! Anyway, that was months ago and now he is staring at my lips. Creeped out completely, I moved on and spoke with a coworker. She laughed a lot as we spoke and asked, "How's the cake?" I said it was good and turned pink with embarrassment because I'd been seen sneaking it in the corner.

Over the course of the next twenty or thirty minutes parents requested pictures of me with their child. I smiled brightly and imagined the photos in award-winning scrapbooks at some point and time. I signed yearbooks, I joked and laughed with the children and their families. Soon it was time to go back to the classroom. When I returned with my students I went into our restroom, while washing my hands I looked up in the mirror and almost screamed aloud in horror!! My lips were completely BLUE, bright royal blue!! I checked my teeth...not royal blue like my lips, but a beautiful shade of grayish/greenish blue. The kind that looks cute on a three year old eating a snow cone at the ball park, however on me it looked like I was a character from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video!

Note to self~ Never try to "sneak" a piece of cake with royal blue frosting!