Blind dates at my age...

Many of life's most difficult lessons I've had to learn over again as time passed. Others are quick lessons that you never forget. I like to call these moments of learning my "Note to self..." moments.

"Note to self..." Entry number two:


I went on a blind date. As I sat in my family room waiting to be picked up by a total stranger, I realized what a peculiar phenomenon dating is and how much I dislike the experience. I forced myself to focus on the moment and either enjoy it or learn from it.

From the moment my date picked me up, his energy level was off the charts. He talked a lot and was literally vibrating energy which I had only ever seen on non-medicated children with severe ADHD. He confided he hadn't dated in years, so I believed his over-active chatter and jumpy mannerisms stemmed from a really bad case of nerves. I tried to put him at ease by saying I was pretty easy going; no pressure, no expectations.

He drove me to a restaurant where the waitress went through a well-rehearsed list of dinner specials and handed us four menus: a drink menu, a dessert menu, another menu with the dinner specials and another one I never quite got the chance to read. After returning to take our order, my date informs her that we will just be having coffee. She left the menus, just in case we changed our minds. My date settled in and began talking; I listened. Then, he talked some more and I listened more, we both drank more coffee. I noticed that in addition to talking non-stop, he never made eye contact with me. He looked at the television in the corner of the room, at people walking by, out in the parking lot or at the coffee cup in front of him, but never at me. He moved his body quickly and readjusted himself in the seat constantly, first leaning forward, then back, then forward again. After the fourth visit to our table the waitress asked if we were sure we "didn't want to order something to eat?" I squirmed uncomfortably. "No, no, no" he said, "we'll have another cup of coffee though." The waitress looked at me to make certain and I smiled an apology; we were taking up a table in her section and there would be no large tip involved. Somewhere between the third and fourth cup o' joe, I realized that he wasn't going to stop talking and he had no idea whether I was engaged in active listening or not. At that very moment, I had an out of body experience. I completely zoned; I saw his mouth moving but no longer absorbed the words. I looked around the restaurant to find something interesting.

Voila! Across the aisle from us was a couple who seemed to be connecting very well. He was eating ribs and she reached across their table to wipe his face with her napkin (I didn't know people really did that) . He was a big guy, muscular and very tall. She was plus-size and was dressed to impress. She had on gold lace ankle straps sandals with four inch heels. She also wore a white halter dress; things were spilling out every which way but loose. Her hair was done up high (really high) on top of her head and she had the longest nail tips I'd ever seen with little scenes painted on them, but of what I couldn't make out.

Her date was loving every moment with her as she was him. They were seducing one another as they ate their barbecue riblets~ "Slurp, slurp, slurp. Mmmmm, Baby, these are sooo good..." I smiled and then pulled my eyes from the scene when I realized I was intruding on a very personal moment. Still, I wanted to snatch a riblet off their plate; I was starving! About fifteen minutes later they stood to leave. Immediately I noticed her white dress (a very mini, mini-dress) had ridden up as she sat in the booth during their meal. It was hiked all the way up to her.... well, too far up for human eyes to see! She needed to adjust herself in the aisle before walking out or everyone else other than me would know she was wearing an animal print thong.

All I could see was boobs, butt and thighs wiggle and jiggle around as she jerked and pulled on the much too small halter dress. Her date was a gentleman and pretended not to notice and waited patiently beside her. She was twisting, hiking and tugging less than four inches from my left elbow; completely impossible to ignore! I felt the twinge of a giggle coming on, but I didn't dare laugh. I was certain she had a rather large can of "whoop-ass" secured in a garter. So with wide-eyes, I looked at my date who, to my surprise is still talking, oblivious to the to the R rated scene taking place right before his eyes; exactly how is that possible?! My thoughts were struggling with one another and I broke out in a sweat in order to suppress a hyena-like laugh that surely would've ended in a snort, which would only make me laugh harder (and pee a little too).

I looked around to see if anyone else witnessed the gyrating, wiggle monster to my left. There was an older couple to my right who watched the scene in horror, their faces priceless! The bartender across the room was smiling as if he just heard a joke, but he was too far away for me to be sure he shared my amusement. Finally, the wiggling and tugging came to a huffing and puffing end and the couple exited the restaurant. It was safe to laugh now. I interrupted my date, "Can you believe that?!" I said softly and pointed to the empty table across the aisle. He never heard me and no eye contact was made...yep, still talking. I leaned back in my chair and smiled to myself. I wondered if perhaps someone else in the restaurant was watching me and finding my situation hysterical as well~ the bartender perhaps?

Eventually, I was returned home where I very politely said, "Good bye, forever." Despite my best efforts I continued to hear his voice chattering away, like the ringing in my ears after an AC/DC concert back in the day. It took me awhile to stop vibrating from his energy and chatter, I was operating on an energy level ten times greater than my own, by osmosis alone! I ate a peanut butter sandwich, drank a glass of Malibu and Diet Pepsi and pondered the evening...

I knew I hadn't really enjoyed myself, so what had I learned from this experience? It took awhile because all the obvious thoughts came into mind: don't wear a mini-halter dress if you're plus-size, don't make orgasmic sounds over your riblets in public, if you have ADHD take medicine for it, etc. However, the real lesson I learned is what I want from a relationship today is a lot different from what I wanted ten or more years ago. Years ago I wanted macho, handsome, knee-knocking gorgeousness. Today, I want someone who will talk with me (eye contact and all) and someone who will laugh at the same things I think are a riot, of course someone who thinks my snort is kinda cute...oh, and someone who won't mind stopping for me to use the restroom when traveling....

and, maybe someone who is gainfully employed...

and definitely divorced...

and maybe kinda cute...

and definitely has to be a good kisser...

and ....

Note to self: I still want it all, but maturity is knowing what I can live with and what I can't live without.