Never put things up your nose....

My mother used to work in a doctor's office. He was a family practice doctor and was perhaps one of the nicest men known to mankind. Part of the wonderful perks of working for a doctor was she could share with us all the horribly excruciating and disgusting ailments of the patients who had done something foolish to themselves. Through her fifteen or so year employment with the doctor I learned many things.

1. Don't wear cheap earrings or your ears will get infected.
2. Don't take too much vitamin C or you will get mouth ulcers.
3. Don't drink lemonade while eating ice cream.
4. Don't jump off the boardwalk onto the sand.
5. Never french kiss a boy or your tongue will grow hair, turn blue and fall off.

Okay, maybe some things she made up in order to keep her daughters in line while they passed through puberty and young adulthood. Still, a lot of it was true. A recurring theme to her tales was about putting things up your nose. Children have a habit of putting the strangest items up there, anything from lima beans to cigarette butts. My question was always, why? Why would anyone do that? There is no pleasure from ramming things up your nose, is there? I've never heard of anything. Maybe drugs, but people risk getting AIDS and Hepatitis C by injected it with shared needles rather than snorting it. Why? Because putting things up your nose is gross and even junkies have enough sense to know that.

The only pleasurable thing about the nose is its ability to smell nice things and that comes in quite handy. Other than that, pleasure occurs when things come out of the nose. Tissues are wonderful products that help when someone has a stuffy nose; there's nothing better than getting relief from a stuffy nose. Hence my discovery of nose spray. When I was nineteen or twenty I became a nose spray addict. My allergies were very bad at the time and nose spray was my best friend. I didn't go anywhere without it. Eventually I learned (from my mother) about how addictive these sprays were, so I managed to stop using them. However, during allergy season or a bad cold or sinus infection my resolve would falter and I would fall off the nose spray wagon.

Then, several years ago my doctor told me about an allergy medicine I could...spray up my nose! It can't be all that bad because nose spray had also provided pleasurable results for years. So I filled the prescription and began using it; two squirts in each nostril every morning. Miraculously, I didn't get any colds, sinus infections or stuffy noses that allergy season. I loved the stuff! I swore by this stuff!! I still use the stuff!!! But, alas...this is not meant to be a commercial for allergy meds, it is only the back story for my latest "Note to self" learning experience.

I decided that I would go on a diet to lose the weight I've put on in the past ten years. I don't like dieting and exercising is something I truly abhor, so what is one to do? There are ads everywhere helping people like me. You can take a pill right before you eat and it will make all the calories and excess fat from the food pass through your system without you gaining a pound. Not true, all you get from those pills is diarrhea. There is another pill that curbs your appetite; it works, but if you eat things like chocolate or chips when you're not hungry then you have a whole other problem called emotional eating and there is only one cure for that~ behavior modification. I'm not a big fan of change and I love a good Heath bar once in awhile. So again I ask, what is one to do?

The exercise guru on television with the really white teeth and fake boobs said if I run five to ten miles per day I can eat whatever I want. Really?! I liked the sound of that. So I got myself a pair of running shoes and I hit the trail...it was like being water-boarded. I found no pleasure in my heart pounding out of my chest or smelly sweat running down every crack and crevice and I won't even talk about what happened to my feet and knees while running. I heard noises I hadn't heard since the last time I ate a bowl of Rice Krispies! So, anybody interested in buying a nice pair of running shoes, like new, size 8?

This brings me to the Woman's World Magazine I recently found. An article inside the magazine stated there were three foolproof methods that helped women lose lots of weight. One was a product you sprinkle on your food; it helps you feel full longer. Another was a nose spray product (I love nose spray!); you just squirt it up there and~ ala kazaam! No more overeating. I forget what the third things was, but it was probably too expensive or I'd already tried it. I ordered the sprinkles and the spray; the spray arrived first.

I pulled the package from the mailbox and ran into the kitchen. I could tell by the feel of the package it was the nose spray. Anxious to have the weight melt off, I tore into the package and the box. My oldest son was upstairs with a friend and the dogs were running around my feet excitedly feeling my joy and energy. Quickly I opened the box, pulled of the plastic seal and squirted it up in the air a couple of times to prime the sprayer. Then, boom boom~ two shots up my right nostril and moved it to my left nostril...I dropped to the floor in excruciating pain! My brain began melting inside my head and strange, slimey water began to pour from both my eyes. Snot began to emit from my right nostril; I panicked and began to cry while rocking back and forth holding my face in a vice grip! I called to my son for help. I needed an ambulance and quick!

He knew something was wrong and came right away, his friend hurrying right behind him. He panicked seeing me rocking back and forth on the kitchen floor with tears and snot oozing through my fingers. "What's the matter?! What's wrong?!" he shouted and came toward me. I couldn't speak. The pain still searing through my sinuses and brain like a hot poker. I pointed to the bottle which I'd thrown across the floor. He picked it up. "Weight Loss Spray?! What the hell?" I was still rocking and holding my face, snot oozing out of my nose like a Play Doh machine. He grabbed some paper towels, handed them to me and asked, "Did you spray this up your nose?" I nodded pathetically. "What the hell?!" he said again. He looked at his friend who I could see had genuine concern on his face.
"What's in that stuff?" his friend asked. My son was quiet as he read the label. Then he asked me if I'd read the label before I used it. I shook my head, my pain subsiding from a 10 to a 9 (on a pain scale of 1-10). I blew my nose and the pain stirred again as it was just as painful coming out as it was going in. The friend asked again, "What's in it?"

My son was annoyed now and held the bottle down to my face. "What is this a picture of, Mom?! Here on the front of the label...what is that?!" My vision was blurry and I couldn't see. So, I shrugged and continued to make a pathetic moaning sound. Again the friend asked with urgency now, "What is it?" My son held it closer to my face and pointed to the bottle and said, "It's a picture of hot peppers for heaven's sakes!" He turned to his friend, "It says, capsicum!" The two started to giggle and it quickly escalated to complete hysteria on their part. Somehow I knew at that moment that no ambulance would come to put me out of my misery.

"But...but...it's a white and purple label! Peppers aren't purple!" I shouted trying to justify my ignorance. My pain level was lowering more quickly as my embarrassment rose. I stood up and snatched the bottle from his hands; both of them were now bent over with laughter. "What the hell is capsicum anyway??" I asked. My son choked out it was a hot pepper extract.

I left the room, taking my embarrassment with me to the bathroom and blew my nose in private. Then I washed my face and re-entered the kitchen. Both boys stood there grinning at me, trying not to laugh. It only took one chuckle from me to send them back into gales of laughter, this time I went right there with them.

Note to self: Never put hot pepper extract up your nose; even if it says it will help you lose weight. I will be keeping the bottle in my purse in case I ever need to use it in self-defense...watch out muggers, rapists or just generally ill-mannered people; I will squirt this up your nose. Lol